It's a philosophy of mine....that ALL SHALL BE WELL. Things don't always go our way. Life can be difficult and challenging at times, we all can say we have experienced a myriad of ups and downs throughout our lifetime, but behind it all, no matter what, there is a voice inside me that says, ALL SHALL BE WELL. In the end, through it all, everything will be alright. Is that naive? Is that childish of me? I don't think so. It's called faith. It's called hope. We have words for these things in our language because these things exist. They are possible to have and hold on to. Faith and hope are what keep people getting up every morning in the face of adversity. When we're sick, sad, unemployed, feeling lost...we keep getting up. We keep trying over and over, because we have faith. We have faith that no matter how bad things may get, it can't last forever...that things will change and improve. Even beyond that knowledge that all shall be well, is the knowledge that whatever happens occurs for a reason. Perhaps we can't see the reason...maybe it seems like there couldn't be one. We ponder and contemplate on and on and see no reason, but believe there is one. Every road leads us somewhere else...somewhere we were meant to be, even if it's not a place we considered for ourselves.
It's all part of our journey, this up and down roller coaster ride. There is a rhythm to life, a cycle that cannot be circumvented. It is what it is, and we are a part of it, we are one with it. We are a part of the rhythm, we are one with everything, the air, the wind, the water. We should not shy away from what life is...we should embrace it, and acknowledge our part in the greater picture. We should have hope and faith that no matter what, we are doing what we were meant to do in the way we were meant to do it.
Have faith.
Have hope, for all shall be well.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Simply Heaven!
We've moved. It's simply heaven!
It's been so long since I've had a chance to blog. I've been so busy packing, sorting, thinking and rethinking our plan. It was scary, but I now think it was the best move we ever made!
I was bored one day, and I heard of an open house that sounded like it would be a good idea to check out. The price was right. The area was ideal. What did I have to lose? I recall that open house now....the first time I walked into my new home...and remember feeling like when other people came in while we were still looking around, that THEY were invading on MY personal space! I knew from the start this place was special. I was right.
There is a warmth here that I haven't felt anywhere else, really. I know I didn't feel it in the house I grew up in. I guess I've only felt it twice...at my first apartment where my son was born and at my grandparents house on Lansing Street. Both of those places were special to me. Not that the house on Emerson isn't special in it's way, but it wasn't "home." We always wanted something else and hesitated to do any work that we didn't absolutely have to...because it just wasn't where we wanted to be.
The only thing that makes this move difficult in anyway is that my son isn't here with us anymore. He is 23 now, and I can't balk at his wanting to have his own place...to have his own life apart from us, but I miss him all the same. He is still at our old home on Emerson, and lives with two friends. They seem happy enough and I hope they do well together. It's not always easy to share living space. I miss him, but not desperately so. I know he's ok. I am not obsessed with manipulating him into visiting. I don't feel the need to slather on the guilt. I just want him to be happy and to feel like he's still a part of our family, because he will always be. I want him to know he can come here anytime...that he doesn't need to be invited. Time will tell how comfortable he is with our new arrangement. So far, all seems fine.
Sometimes we say it feels like we're on vacation...like we're at camp! Having more land, and lots of trees surrounding you can lend to that illusion. It's so beautiful at dusk...and so beautiful in the morning when the traffic is slower and the sun is just coming up. Every morning I take out some dog food and peanuts for the animals. I have met a new family of crows and they are quite vocal, yet not attached to me as the old ones were. I miss them so much and haven't seen much of them. I carry peanuts in my car just in case there is a sighting! I don't want to let them down. I already feel like I have, moving away is a form of abandonment. Ken is taking good care of them...but I truly feel we had a special bond and I miss them watching me. I miss feeling them around, hearing their voices, watching them eat. It's a whole new journey....starting over. I miss some things, but it's still simply heaven. I will not complain no matter what because we are so blessed to have made our personal dream come true.
This home feels good, it's a good fit for us. It feels glorious, as I imagine a life of eternal bliss would feel like.
I could get used to this.
It's been so long since I've had a chance to blog. I've been so busy packing, sorting, thinking and rethinking our plan. It was scary, but I now think it was the best move we ever made!
I was bored one day, and I heard of an open house that sounded like it would be a good idea to check out. The price was right. The area was ideal. What did I have to lose? I recall that open house now....the first time I walked into my new home...and remember feeling like when other people came in while we were still looking around, that THEY were invading on MY personal space! I knew from the start this place was special. I was right.
There is a warmth here that I haven't felt anywhere else, really. I know I didn't feel it in the house I grew up in. I guess I've only felt it twice...at my first apartment where my son was born and at my grandparents house on Lansing Street. Both of those places were special to me. Not that the house on Emerson isn't special in it's way, but it wasn't "home." We always wanted something else and hesitated to do any work that we didn't absolutely have to...because it just wasn't where we wanted to be.
The only thing that makes this move difficult in anyway is that my son isn't here with us anymore. He is 23 now, and I can't balk at his wanting to have his own place...to have his own life apart from us, but I miss him all the same. He is still at our old home on Emerson, and lives with two friends. They seem happy enough and I hope they do well together. It's not always easy to share living space. I miss him, but not desperately so. I know he's ok. I am not obsessed with manipulating him into visiting. I don't feel the need to slather on the guilt. I just want him to be happy and to feel like he's still a part of our family, because he will always be. I want him to know he can come here anytime...that he doesn't need to be invited. Time will tell how comfortable he is with our new arrangement. So far, all seems fine.
Sometimes we say it feels like we're on vacation...like we're at camp! Having more land, and lots of trees surrounding you can lend to that illusion. It's so beautiful at dusk...and so beautiful in the morning when the traffic is slower and the sun is just coming up. Every morning I take out some dog food and peanuts for the animals. I have met a new family of crows and they are quite vocal, yet not attached to me as the old ones were. I miss them so much and haven't seen much of them. I carry peanuts in my car just in case there is a sighting! I don't want to let them down. I already feel like I have, moving away is a form of abandonment. Ken is taking good care of them...but I truly feel we had a special bond and I miss them watching me. I miss feeling them around, hearing their voices, watching them eat. It's a whole new journey....starting over. I miss some things, but it's still simply heaven. I will not complain no matter what because we are so blessed to have made our personal dream come true.
This home feels good, it's a good fit for us. It feels glorious, as I imagine a life of eternal bliss would feel like.
I could get used to this.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Frustrations
I have been away from my blog for a bit and I must apologize to no one in particular, as I think I am one of the few folks who actually read this blather...but I must apologize because it seems the right thing to do. I have tried, unsuccessfully, to get on my blog at work. I enjoy taking my 15 minute breaks and writing...it helps clear my head sometimes...and there are other times when I don't feel like going out for lunch when I feel like going on and on about something, but now I can't. They have BLOCKED MY BLOG! What could it be about my blog that would make the powers that be at work deem it block-worthy? I just can't imagine. I don't think I've ever been vulgar in my blog...I try to use good language and proper grammar!!! I could be failing in the grammar department, but certainly NOT in the vulgar language. I would remember if I said anything offensive. I did say IMISSMYDOOR, but I KNOW that's not swearing! It may be a word filled with feeling and passion...but it's nothing near offensive.
I've been pondering why my access to the Google blogs was blocked, and again, I can't imagine. I think it's one of those flukey things like when my news website was blocked for about a month and then it came back on. I'm hoping that eventually they will see the error they have made and they will restore my access to my therapy! That's really what blogging is...it's therapy for me. It helps it all get sorted out in my head and even when I write about nothing in particular, it still does something to help me come down to a comfortable place in my head. I don't want to have to say IMISSMYBLOG like IMISSMYDOOR! Don't let it come to that!!! PAAHHHLLEEEEEZZEE!
I've been pondering why my access to the Google blogs was blocked, and again, I can't imagine. I think it's one of those flukey things like when my news website was blocked for about a month and then it came back on. I'm hoping that eventually they will see the error they have made and they will restore my access to my therapy! That's really what blogging is...it's therapy for me. It helps it all get sorted out in my head and even when I write about nothing in particular, it still does something to help me come down to a comfortable place in my head. I don't want to have to say IMISSMYBLOG like IMISSMYDOOR! Don't let it come to that!!! PAAHHHLLEEEEEZZEE!
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Initiations
My daughter, who is brave and beautiful and precocious decided on Monday that she was ready to see her first corpse. We had to go to our friends wake, and were trying to find a babysitter for her and she said, "Why can't I come too?" Well, I gave it some thought and figured she might be a little young for it yet. Yes, my son had been to wakes from when he was very young, but at that time, I had no one to watch him for me. I have more readily available babysitters than I used to. With more options I thought that I'd leave her home to avoid her questions and fears, but she said she was ready and it's my experience, if a child thinks they are ready, maybe they are. So I told her she could go to the waiting room and we'd see how it went.
She waited in the waiting area with my husband while I went first. When I came back, she said, "When am I going to see?" I stuttered and stammered and sighed and decided to let her take a peek and see how she felt. We stood by the doorway together and she said she was ready to go in. The face she made was one of curiosity and slight distaste. She said, "Are you SURE that's Stanley?" I said, "Yes." She scrunched her brow and tilted her head and just wasn't sure about my answer. She said it didn't look like him. Well, it did and it didn't. I tried to explain that a body in death doesn't always look just like the person did when they were alive. She said, "So why do they do that? Why do we see the body at all?" Good question. I told her that sometimes we just need to say goodbye, and this is a way to do that. She came over to the family with me and as I talked and they tried to converse with her, she kept peeking around and looking at Stanley...still with the scrunched brow, I might add. I don't think she knew quite what to make of it. Hey, I'm 46 years old and still don't know quite what to make of it!
She never mentioned it again that whole night. I thought for sure she might wake up frightened or have bad dreams...but that never happened. Last night at bedtime she was laying there and she said, "You know that was so weird." I had no idea what she was talking about. She told me she was talking about the dead body. "It made me feel strange." Well, she's right on the money...wakes make me feel strange sometimes too. They aren't easy to attend, that's for sure, and this initiation into the world of life and death had to happen eventually for her. I was putting it off for some reason, even though I thought she would handle it just fine. Things just don't really gross her out, not like they do other kids.
She pondered this in a way I didn't think she was capable, the idea of life and death and what we are "made" of. She asked me how we are formed, and by what...like silly putty or clay or stone...what WE are made of. I told her we had best ask her doctor for more accurate answers because when I told her God made us, she rolled her eyes and said, "That's not what I meant Mommy!"
Maybe she will be a doctor someday...hmmm....these little initiations bring us just one step closer....
She waited in the waiting area with my husband while I went first. When I came back, she said, "When am I going to see?" I stuttered and stammered and sighed and decided to let her take a peek and see how she felt. We stood by the doorway together and she said she was ready to go in. The face she made was one of curiosity and slight distaste. She said, "Are you SURE that's Stanley?" I said, "Yes." She scrunched her brow and tilted her head and just wasn't sure about my answer. She said it didn't look like him. Well, it did and it didn't. I tried to explain that a body in death doesn't always look just like the person did when they were alive. She said, "So why do they do that? Why do we see the body at all?" Good question. I told her that sometimes we just need to say goodbye, and this is a way to do that. She came over to the family with me and as I talked and they tried to converse with her, she kept peeking around and looking at Stanley...still with the scrunched brow, I might add. I don't think she knew quite what to make of it. Hey, I'm 46 years old and still don't know quite what to make of it!
She never mentioned it again that whole night. I thought for sure she might wake up frightened or have bad dreams...but that never happened. Last night at bedtime she was laying there and she said, "You know that was so weird." I had no idea what she was talking about. She told me she was talking about the dead body. "It made me feel strange." Well, she's right on the money...wakes make me feel strange sometimes too. They aren't easy to attend, that's for sure, and this initiation into the world of life and death had to happen eventually for her. I was putting it off for some reason, even though I thought she would handle it just fine. Things just don't really gross her out, not like they do other kids.
She pondered this in a way I didn't think she was capable, the idea of life and death and what we are "made" of. She asked me how we are formed, and by what...like silly putty or clay or stone...what WE are made of. I told her we had best ask her doctor for more accurate answers because when I told her God made us, she rolled her eyes and said, "That's not what I meant Mommy!"
Maybe she will be a doctor someday...hmmm....these little initiations bring us just one step closer....
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Dreams and dreams
Bird dreams. So many bird dreams last night. I wish I could remember them all. One had a baby crow clinging to the back of a larger one....the larger one was being held by a man who was quite threatening, even though his demeanor wasn't. He was trying to seem friendly. The bird was trying to tell me otherwise. Interesting.
There was another where they were all gathered in a large tree just outside our window...I can't recall if it was my house or my mothers...but there were crows in every branch...in every place they could possibly perch. It was nighttime...they were getting ready for sleep.
There may have been others...I can't recall. I've been told to keep a dream journal...not sure why I don't. It would make sense since I usually have such vivid dreams with conversations remembered and details that most people may not recall.
I usually love my bird dreams. Last nights...well...I have mixed feelings on it. I just wish the sun would shine. I think it would help. This gloom is bringing me down.
There was another where they were all gathered in a large tree just outside our window...I can't recall if it was my house or my mothers...but there were crows in every branch...in every place they could possibly perch. It was nighttime...they were getting ready for sleep.
There may have been others...I can't recall. I've been told to keep a dream journal...not sure why I don't. It would make sense since I usually have such vivid dreams with conversations remembered and details that most people may not recall.
I usually love my bird dreams. Last nights...well...I have mixed feelings on it. I just wish the sun would shine. I think it would help. This gloom is bringing me down.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Seems to me
It seems to me that life is too short, that friends don't live as long as we need them to and that our landscape is ever changing and it's annoying the crap out of me.
Last weekend I attended the memorial service of a friend who has been a part of my life since I was born. He was elderly, and frail and tired, yet his passing was just as difficult for me as if he had been 30 and had the whole world ahead of him. He was a part of MY landscape...MY life, and he's gone. Things don't seem quite the same to me. It's almost as if my life were haunted by this loss...and that everything I look at seems slightly altered in the most impossible ways.
Just a week later, another friend, yes...elderly and ill, has passed from this world and again I feel this loss as much as I would any other. He wasn't old to me. He was just Stanley. No number or ranking attached. Just Stanley...and he was a great guy, always there when you needed him. He was a rock for my mother, a true friend when she needed one, and for that I will be eternally grateful to him for his calming and strong presence in our lives. Again, things don't seem quite right to me. My landscape is altering, yet again, and I am powerless to stop it. I am haunted by these changes, both emotional and physical. I am helpless in the swirling waters of my life. That's how it feels. Even if I'm NOT technically helpless, it feels that way. I wish it didn't.
How do we learn to cope with these inevitable changes? Do we ever adjust to it? Do we ever come to expect it or like children, do we hold this secret hope that someone...just one person that we know...will not leave us...that they will be forever? I tend to think that realistically we realize what is unavoidable, yet we choose to put blinders on and just live our lives because if we didn't...if we remained conscious of the changes that will surely come, we would never be able to say goodbye, even if just for a moment because we would be too frightened of what might happen in our absence. We could never be casual again. We would live on guard, and that might not be living at all.
So, here I sit, watching my landscape shift...feeling a bit lost and small and wishing my friends a happy journey into the next world. What more can I possibly do?
Last weekend I attended the memorial service of a friend who has been a part of my life since I was born. He was elderly, and frail and tired, yet his passing was just as difficult for me as if he had been 30 and had the whole world ahead of him. He was a part of MY landscape...MY life, and he's gone. Things don't seem quite the same to me. It's almost as if my life were haunted by this loss...and that everything I look at seems slightly altered in the most impossible ways.
Just a week later, another friend, yes...elderly and ill, has passed from this world and again I feel this loss as much as I would any other. He wasn't old to me. He was just Stanley. No number or ranking attached. Just Stanley...and he was a great guy, always there when you needed him. He was a rock for my mother, a true friend when she needed one, and for that I will be eternally grateful to him for his calming and strong presence in our lives. Again, things don't seem quite right to me. My landscape is altering, yet again, and I am powerless to stop it. I am haunted by these changes, both emotional and physical. I am helpless in the swirling waters of my life. That's how it feels. Even if I'm NOT technically helpless, it feels that way. I wish it didn't.
How do we learn to cope with these inevitable changes? Do we ever adjust to it? Do we ever come to expect it or like children, do we hold this secret hope that someone...just one person that we know...will not leave us...that they will be forever? I tend to think that realistically we realize what is unavoidable, yet we choose to put blinders on and just live our lives because if we didn't...if we remained conscious of the changes that will surely come, we would never be able to say goodbye, even if just for a moment because we would be too frightened of what might happen in our absence. We could never be casual again. We would live on guard, and that might not be living at all.
So, here I sit, watching my landscape shift...feeling a bit lost and small and wishing my friends a happy journey into the next world. What more can I possibly do?
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
With Embarrassment I Say...
With much embarrassment...I say that I have read the Twilight books...yes, I have done this horrible thing. I have read them willingly, AND watched the movies. God, I can't believe I am admitting this! It started out with someone at work telling me how entertaining the books were, and I figured, hey, I like entertaining. I can do that! Well, I tried to hide the books, slunking in corners in the semi lit bathroom reading them as fast as I could so I could do it, but not get caught! I am somewhat of a book snob, and rarely read popular fiction or anything that is considered trendy. It's just what I do. Alice Hoffman is as trendy as I get. Danielle Steele, well, forget that...I'D RATHER DIE! That's one literary place I won't EVER go! I still have my standards...despite this lapse in reason. I am still reading the third book, and want to get to the fourth quickly so I can see what everyone keeps telling me I will see. That the relationship between Bella and Edward will make SENSE to me. I can't imagine it, but I have to see for myself. I care too much at this point. I need to have it make sense, because right now, it doesn't. This stupid young girl so eager to give up life for this boy (her very first boyfriend, I might add)....ridiculous! She has no goals beyond becoming undead. She has no interest in girlfriends. She has no interest in a career. She hasn't even given one tiny indication that she even has a brain in that head. She's so busy obsessing over Edward, and he's so busy obsessing over her...well...it's mind boggling. I am finding it difficult to really LIKE Bella. I don't really see what the fuss is about, how she has caught the attention not only of a 100 year old vampire, but also a teenage werewolf. She's nice enough, don't get me wrong, but I fail to see these redeeming qualities that make her so special and sought after. Will it make sense to me once all the books are done? Maybe not, but as I said, I have to know. THIS. IS. PERSONAL. I've invested 2 days of my time trying to figure out the attraction the mass public has had with this couple, and I need to see it through. When I'm done with the last book, I'll give my final opinions and conclusions. Until then I'll continue to hide in darkened corners with these borrowed books until I'm done. I'll eat later!
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