Thursday, November 7, 2013

BOOK REVIEW: The Kept by James Scott......


The Kept by James Scott is a difficult novel to read.  There isn't a positive moment, not a ray of light in the dismal existence of these sad and desperate characters.  They are certainly well crafted, the plot well thought out, the story compelling, yet the dark tone was very hard to carry with you, and carry it with you, you shall. 

It begins quite simply, with death, and from those deaths come thoughts of revenge, anger, desperation, confusion and doubt.  There was one sad moment after the next, one disappointment after the other, everyday a struggle for survival and a grasping and clawing that you can actually feel.  Is that a sign of a great novel?  It most certainly is, however, I felt it necessary to warn the reader that this is a very dark novel, there is nothing truly happy happening here, just a collection of pain and heartache that feels as real as any you have experienced in this world yourself. 

This is well crafted, and I'm not disregarding that fact.  If you are looking for a novel written in the tradition of Cold Mountain, then I think this one is for you. If you are looking for something light, a story with a bit more balance, then perhaps this isn't for you.  If you are highly sensitive, this one might weigh you down as you read.  

The dark and gray world of The Kept will linger with you, carry you down its dreary paths and leave its mark.  This is a fine piece of dramatic literature for the discerning reader.

Saturday, February 18, 2012

When Did It Happen?

I suppose I'm not the first woman to ask this question....to wonder where the time has gone. I am sitting here trying to remember how I have changed so dramatically, from a young girl with big dreams and no hope to this soft bellied woman with a completely different views regarding life. I remember that girl, certainly, like I recall my children's youthfulness. She is still very real to me, yet she is gone, much like the Sean I remember so vividly, playing with his Ninja Turtles....is gone. I evolved like he did, Mia is evolving like I did. It's all so natural and right, yet it can really bring you to such emotion....well, as if you hadn't been expecting it at all.

Mia's birthday was yesterday. I was so happy, she was so happy, yet I found myself after a hot flash or two at dinner, to start to realize how much has really changed. I'm not that little girl...she is. Hey, I'm not even the 39 year old woman who gave birth to her. I've changed so much just in 8 years...and I worry about that. Can I still be a good mother to her, and be this menopausal mess? Will being slammed daily by hot flashes and mood swings change me, yet again, into a different woman? Will I be different? Will I still remain the loving, constant mother she so desperately needs? Can I find a way to cope? Will I be a Maria I can be proud of...a Maria I even recognize...when this is all over? I pray that is so.

I guess I'm just nervous, entering into another phase in life I'm not quite ready for. It seems we coast along, enjoying life as much as we can, taking for granted that particular stage we are in...and then when it begins to change, we rebel, longing for things to remain constant, yet they certainly can't. We are silly, we humans, longing for a stability that doesn't exist. Change is constant. Today becomes yesterday, yesterday becomes the day before. Constant doesn't really exist. The only constant that exists is that things are constantly changing!

I hope I can come to terms with the me I am now...the physical and emotional challenges that lay ahead. I want so much to glide through this, yet it is certainly something I've feared for many years. I have my apprehensions. It's a mystery...and a very different experience for every woman. It's hard to even ask anyone else about things because each journey is unique.

If there is anyone up there listening to my words....anyone I could pray to who would listen, I pray that I can find it in myself to be accepting, that I remain focused on what is important and of value in my life, and that I can be what my family needs while still going through this trying time.

May the Goddess of Menopause smile down on me and have pity!

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Getting "IT" Back

I have to admit, it's been a while since I've written any of my snippets and I hear them calling to me. I have been writing...just writing whatever, gibberish really, just to get back into the habit of actually writing. Writing ANYTHING. I want Evelyn and Percy to have a voice, to have a life, to have an ending. I don't want them to die prematurely, to have their story end before it even started! In a way they feel real to me, and I feel an obligation to keep them growing and moving forward. They are an extension of me, rather like my children, and I want to see them grow up well, like any parent would. So, here I am writing and writing, anything and everything to get "it" back, to warm up, so to speak. I've been writing on my lunch hour at work, just pages and pages of writing that gets shredded, but that I feel is helping me to change my routine and get writing again. That feeling you get when you are on to something while writing....it's priceless!! I want to feel that again, the excitement and thrill of it. It's like having a baby...bringing something to life that wasn't there before. It's a blank canvas that only I can fill.

I am certainly thrilled to be reviewing for the ABNA again, which is so exciting to me. I enjoy it very much, but I think next year, someone should be reviewing MY work instead. I hope that I can make that a reality, because if I am honest with myself, no one can make that happen except for me. If I want something, I am responsible to make it happen. A book doesn't fall out of the sky into the lap of the author, there is some serious dedication and commitment involved. I have to dig deep here. I hope it's there, waiting for me.

Is there a Patron Saint of writers? A Goddess for the creative mind? If so....I ask that they help me to find my way back so that I can create the life I've dreamed of.


Sunday, January 8, 2012

Writers Block

So, what does one do to get past writers block? Is there really such a thing? Have Evelyn and Percy come to an untimely end, or can I continue their story? I have no idea where to take this story but would like an epiphany....I want to know how to continue. Yet...I have no clue.

Should I meditate? Take a walk? A long bath, perhaps? I just want to know where it goes from here and I want to write some more....but I'm not sure it's there, inside me. If not, where the hell is it? Is there a wall I need to climb over, an obstacle I need to get past? Is the block only in my own imagination. Is it fear?

I don't want Evelyn to die before her time! What do I do??

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

What can I do?

What can I do? I am trying so hard to feel positive, to look at the bright side, to do all the things we've done together...to keep trying, to reach deep within myself for strength...but I find I'm not successful at it this week. This week is the week we always talked about...in our room...our office...just you and me. We wondered what we would do when retirement came...and you always said it would come for you first and I dismissed you, even though I knew you were telling the obvious truth. We weren't born in the same decade...so it was inevitable that for you, the elder of us, retirement would come first.

I know I've said I don't mind that we weren't born in the same time period...that there were some years between us always seemed ok to me...and I think it was meant to be that way, no matter what our preference...but for the record....I wish it too. I wish we could have gone to high school together....talked about things that young girls talk about....had each other to support and laugh and cry with. It would have been fun....but all in all, I can't say that we don't have something special nonetheless....because you know we do.

Let's set the record straight. These are the things you taught me:

1. To look on the bright side.
2. That friends...true friends...mean what they say and stand by you even when you act like a ninny.
3. That no matter how old you are, you can learn something new everyday.
4. That a mother can be your best friend.
5. That I am an artist.
6. That I am a writer.
7. That I have gifts that can enrich the world.
8. It's all in the details!
9. That smiling even when you don't feel like it is important.
10. That everyday is a gift.

I said it before, and I'll say it again, I did lots of growing up at this job....27 years of it...and 17 of it spent in your company. Your heart is true and genuine and I have been blessed to have worked with you. The job is important, no doubt, but what really matters are the bonds we forge here...the people who's lives we touch in positive ways. That's why we are here, and your friendship has taught me that.

I've had a hard time with this, and I've tried not to grieve in your company! This is a wonderful thing for you....retirement is a positive thing, and our friendship won't end because of it. I will just miss your calming presence....and your smile. Forgive me if I seem out of sorts lately. I'm trying to get my bearings.

I shall never say goodbye to you, my dear friend....I will, however, say what I have said for many years, every weekday at 4:15....Aurevoir, ma Sherry.....

I love you.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Never Hide Your Light

I just posted on Facebook tonight......Never hide your light. I suppose I was speaking in general, as it applies to us all. Never hide your light. Never hide your gifts. Be appreciative of your gifts. We all have so much to offer the world....and on a smaller scale...each other...yet we miss so many opportunities to do just that, out of fear or doubt, or even out of the simple act of letting your disappointing day get to you, and your eyes are full of your own issues, and you might fail to see a perfect change for reaching out to someone else with your gifts.

You are armed with them....these gifts you were bestowed at birth. We all have different gifts, yet for various reasons we may choose not to use them....in others words...to hide our light. In my opinion, because I was so unaware of my own light for so long...I think it's the greatest crime you can commit! I say I was unaware, and not hiding my gifts because that was the way of it for many years. I was told I had none, and sadly, I believed it for a very long time. I listened to one negative voice and let it dictate my own feelings on my own gifts. I let that voice become my God...allowing it more power over me than anyone elses. Yet, that voice was wrong. My resonsibility in all that was that I let that voice live longer than it should have. I will NEVER do that again, and I won't allow my friends do that to themselves, not if I can help it. It is a great injustice....and deprives the world of beauty and a chance at becoming a better place. We each play a crucial role in the development of the future world that our children and grandchildren will inhabit. The web is intricate, and we have a very precise place in that....we may not see the whole picture, yet we are a huge part of that plan. Therefore, to do any less than let our light shine is an injustice, a crime against the future!

Leave your fears behind. Life is too short...time flies too quickly and we have no time for fear. Live. Live like there is no tomorrow.......shine like the brightest star and do your part. Show the world what you are made of. No one can DO YOU better than YOU. You were given the part of you in this great performance of life because it was decided that no one could do it better than you.

Don't hide your light and give a shabby performance. Do your best....break a leg!

Monday, November 14, 2011

Karma

It's called KARMA....and it can bite you in the ass.

Give the world a shit sandwich, and you'll be eating crap yourself soon enough. You reap what you sow. It's pretty simple. If you want a karmic slap in the head, then keep doing as you please, steam rolling over the world without a care. You'll pay. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow. But....you'll pay.

Enjoy yourself for now. The view is always lovely from the top....but remember that what goes up, must come down. Strap yourself in. It should be interesting.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Fear

Fear. Everyone experiences it. Everyone fears it. Yea, I fear fear. I don't have a problem with that. I fear being afraid. It makes my blood pound, my pulse slam in my head, my breathing alters. I hate being afraid. Who doesn't? Fear is one of the main reasons we fight, fear is one of the main reasons people need therapy! We're afraid of the past, afraid of the unknown, afraid of being alone, afraid of seeing ourselves for who we really are. Fear is a motivating factor in many decisions made in our lives. Fear is everywhere.

Next time you feel fear creeping up on you, turn around, look it right in the eye and shame it into submission. Fear should be ashamed of how it treats you! You have done nothing to deserve the panic and anxiety it produces. Send it on it's way! Let it know it has no power over you! You have survived great loss, change, advancing age...you are a force to be feared yourself! Look at you....you survived high school! You had a root canal! You have worked with the co-worker from hell for ump-teen years and you are still here, better than before! What have YOU to fear? I say...NOTHING.

Next time fear tries to make you piss your pants, give it a kick in the balls and come out swinging. You can do it. I know you can!

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Worries

I'm worried about the price of gas. I'm worried about keeping my house clean. I'm worried about being able to afford Christmas presents for everyone on my list. I'm worried about my daughter and her apparent inability to learn to read....is she not trying? Is she really having trouble decoding or is she just not paying attention? A mother worries, as do most people, but having children magnifies that a hundredfold. You worry about your own ability to parent, your children's' health and their friends and their homework and their attitude and their sleep patterns....oh, the list goes on and on. It doesn't really even stop when they are older, nor should it, really. Of course they must grow up and go out on their own, but you never cease to be concerned for their well being. As a parent you should never emotionally detach yourself from your children, no matter how independent they may be. A child always needs to know that their parent is there for them, emotionally and otherwise, forever. Parenting isn't an 18 year assignment...it's a lifetime commitment, like any marriage or friendship would be. You don't get a reprieve for good behavior after your child graduates from high school. I wish more parents shared this philosophy. I know so many adults who have felt abandoned by their parents. They appreciate their parents need for their own life, yet feel as if they are no longer an important component in their parents' lives. How sad is that?

I know I will always worry about my kids, and I don't mind that. It is a price I am willing to pay to be their mother. I couldn't imagine a world without them in it. My life is better for having them in it, and I won't ever make them feel like I'm unavailable. I've seen what that sort of parenting does to a person. It demeans and lowers self esteem. It rips that child in you apart. That isn't the sort of trip I signed up for. I'm in it for the long haul, through Dr. Seuss, the teen years and beyond.

You're stuck with me kids! Get over it!

Monday, September 19, 2011

Changes...yet again

There are changes afoot, and as far as changes go, it's not earth shattering, yet I can't help but feel unsettled. New management leadership can lead to changes, and after 27 years I've certainly seen my share of reassignments and alterations. It's nothing new, yet it never ceases to distress us. This year I shall meet an even bigger challenge...the loss of a beloved co-worker. Sherry is leaving us, retiring, which is great for her and I'm honestly happy for her, yet I wonder how I will fill that hole she will leave behind. She is a unique friend, one who understands me, who speaks to my heart, one who knows me and likes me despite it all! I shall miss her, and have no idea how I will adjust to this major change in our work place dynamics.

I don't know what to think about rumors that are flying about. I hope I'm not being overly pessimistic. I can only hope for the best. Change has never been easy for me...and this time is really no different. After all this time, you would think I'd be better equipped to deal with it. I hope I am stronger. I hope that no matter what, the transition is a smooth one.

I can hope.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

25 things about ME

A friend of mine was passing around this 25 Things about Me on Facebook, and I decided that rather than put it there...so that everyone could see it....I would post it here and the folks I want to see it will see it, and the general public will continue to NOT know 25 things about me...their loss I suppose!

Ok...here goes....

1. I don't have a belly button.

2. If no one sees me eat something, then I didn't eat it. I wipe it from my memory.

3. I adore being served attitude along with my morning coffee. It makes it taste better.

4. I have seen a ghost. Really.

5. I believe the thing I do best is being a mother.

6. If I could have, I would have had 20 kids, just like Mrs. Duggar.

7. I need to read.

8. I love getting up early to hear the first sounds of the day.

9. I can't be friends with anyone I can't respect.

10. My first kiss was amazing.

11. I don't like confrontation.

12. Insincerity makes me sad.

13. I love, love, love to write!

14. My first love was a dog. He was soooo cute.

15. My eyes are so bad I can't read the phone book anymore.

16. I believe I knew my gynocologist in a past life.

17. I was married to one of my best friends in a past life.

18. My favorite time of day is bedtime!

19. I hate math.

20. I have three friends who are like sisters to me. I am very blessed.

21. I was adopted...and I don't have any hard feelings for my birth mother, nor do I need to know who she is.

22. I believe I am often misunderstood.

23. I have anxiety attacks more often than I would like.

24. I live in the town I always dreamed of living in .

25. I am very, very blessed. I try to be conscious of that everyday.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

All Shall Be Well

It's a philosophy of mine....that ALL SHALL BE WELL. Things don't always go our way. Life can be difficult and challenging at times, we all can say we have experienced a myriad of ups and downs throughout our lifetime, but behind it all, no matter what, there is a voice inside me that says, ALL SHALL BE WELL. In the end, through it all, everything will be alright. Is that naive? Is that childish of me? I don't think so. It's called faith. It's called hope. We have words for these things in our language because these things exist. They are possible to have and hold on to. Faith and hope are what keep people getting up every morning in the face of adversity. When we're sick, sad, unemployed, feeling lost...we keep getting up. We keep trying over and over, because we have faith. We have faith that no matter how bad things may get, it can't last forever...that things will change and improve. Even beyond that knowledge that all shall be well, is the knowledge that whatever happens occurs for a reason. Perhaps we can't see the reason...maybe it seems like there couldn't be one. We ponder and contemplate on and on and see no reason, but believe there is one. Every road leads us somewhere else...somewhere we were meant to be, even if it's not a place we considered for ourselves.

It's all part of our journey, this up and down roller coaster ride. There is a rhythm to life, a cycle that cannot be circumvented. It is what it is, and we are a part of it, we are one with it. We are a part of the rhythm, we are one with everything, the air, the wind, the water. We should not shy away from what life is...we should embrace it, and acknowledge our part in the greater picture. We should have hope and faith that no matter what, we are doing what we were meant to do in the way we were meant to do it.

Have faith.

Have hope, for all shall be well.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Simply Heaven!

We've moved. It's simply heaven!

It's been so long since I've had a chance to blog. I've been so busy packing, sorting, thinking and rethinking our plan. It was scary, but I now think it was the best move we ever made!

I was bored one day, and I heard of an open house that sounded like it would be a good idea to check out. The price was right. The area was ideal. What did I have to lose? I recall that open house now....the first time I walked into my new home...and remember feeling like when other people came in while we were still looking around, that THEY were invading on MY personal space! I knew from the start this place was special. I was right.

There is a warmth here that I haven't felt anywhere else, really. I know I didn't feel it in the house I grew up in. I guess I've only felt it twice...at my first apartment where my son was born and at my grandparents house on Lansing Street. Both of those places were special to me. Not that the house on Emerson isn't special in it's way, but it wasn't "home." We always wanted something else and hesitated to do any work that we didn't absolutely have to...because it just wasn't where we wanted to be.

The only thing that makes this move difficult in anyway is that my son isn't here with us anymore. He is 23 now, and I can't balk at his wanting to have his own place...to have his own life apart from us, but I miss him all the same. He is still at our old home on Emerson, and lives with two friends. They seem happy enough and I hope they do well together. It's not always easy to share living space. I miss him, but not desperately so. I know he's ok. I am not obsessed with manipulating him into visiting. I don't feel the need to slather on the guilt. I just want him to be happy and to feel like he's still a part of our family, because he will always be. I want him to know he can come here anytime...that he doesn't need to be invited. Time will tell how comfortable he is with our new arrangement. So far, all seems fine.

Sometimes we say it feels like we're on vacation...like we're at camp! Having more land, and lots of trees surrounding you can lend to that illusion. It's so beautiful at dusk...and so beautiful in the morning when the traffic is slower and the sun is just coming up. Every morning I take out some dog food and peanuts for the animals. I have met a new family of crows and they are quite vocal, yet not attached to me as the old ones were. I miss them so much and haven't seen much of them. I carry peanuts in my car just in case there is a sighting! I don't want to let them down. I already feel like I have, moving away is a form of abandonment. Ken is taking good care of them...but I truly feel we had a special bond and I miss them watching me. I miss feeling them around, hearing their voices, watching them eat. It's a whole new journey....starting over. I miss some things, but it's still simply heaven. I will not complain no matter what because we are so blessed to have made our personal dream come true.

This home feels good, it's a good fit for us. It feels glorious, as I imagine a life of eternal bliss would feel like.

I could get used to this.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Frustrations

I have been away from my blog for a bit and I must apologize to no one in particular, as I think I am one of the few folks who actually read this blather...but I must apologize because it seems the right thing to do. I have tried, unsuccessfully, to get on my blog at work. I enjoy taking my 15 minute breaks and writing...it helps clear my head sometimes...and there are other times when I don't feel like going out for lunch when I feel like going on and on about something, but now I can't. They have BLOCKED MY BLOG! What could it be about my blog that would make the powers that be at work deem it block-worthy? I just can't imagine. I don't think I've ever been vulgar in my blog...I try to use good language and proper grammar!!! I could be failing in the grammar department, but certainly NOT in the vulgar language. I would remember if I said anything offensive. I did say IMISSMYDOOR, but I KNOW that's not swearing! It may be a word filled with feeling and passion...but it's nothing near offensive.

I've been pondering why my access to the Google blogs was blocked, and again, I can't imagine. I think it's one of those flukey things like when my news website was blocked for about a month and then it came back on. I'm hoping that eventually they will see the error they have made and they will restore my access to my therapy! That's really what blogging is...it's therapy for me. It helps it all get sorted out in my head and even when I write about nothing in particular, it still does something to help me come down to a comfortable place in my head. I don't want to have to say IMISSMYBLOG like IMISSMYDOOR! Don't let it come to that!!! PAAHHHLLEEEEEZZEE!

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Initiations

My daughter, who is brave and beautiful and precocious decided on Monday that she was ready to see her first corpse. We had to go to our friends wake, and were trying to find a babysitter for her and she said, "Why can't I come too?" Well, I gave it some thought and figured she might be a little young for it yet. Yes, my son had been to wakes from when he was very young, but at that time, I had no one to watch him for me. I have more readily available babysitters than I used to. With more options I thought that I'd leave her home to avoid her questions and fears, but she said she was ready and it's my experience, if a child thinks they are ready, maybe they are. So I told her she could go to the waiting room and we'd see how it went.

She waited in the waiting area with my husband while I went first. When I came back, she said, "When am I going to see?" I stuttered and stammered and sighed and decided to let her take a peek and see how she felt. We stood by the doorway together and she said she was ready to go in. The face she made was one of curiosity and slight distaste. She said, "Are you SURE that's Stanley?" I said, "Yes." She scrunched her brow and tilted her head and just wasn't sure about my answer. She said it didn't look like him. Well, it did and it didn't. I tried to explain that a body in death doesn't always look just like the person did when they were alive. She said, "So why do they do that? Why do we see the body at all?" Good question. I told her that sometimes we just need to say goodbye, and this is a way to do that. She came over to the family with me and as I talked and they tried to converse with her, she kept peeking around and looking at Stanley...still with the scrunched brow, I might add. I don't think she knew quite what to make of it. Hey, I'm 46 years old and still don't know quite what to make of it!

She never mentioned it again that whole night. I thought for sure she might wake up frightened or have bad dreams...but that never happened. Last night at bedtime she was laying there and she said, "You know that was so weird." I had no idea what she was talking about. She told me she was talking about the dead body. "It made me feel strange." Well, she's right on the money...wakes make me feel strange sometimes too. They aren't easy to attend, that's for sure, and this initiation into the world of life and death had to happen eventually for her. I was putting it off for some reason, even though I thought she would handle it just fine. Things just don't really gross her out, not like they do other kids.

She pondered this in a way I didn't think she was capable, the idea of life and death and what we are "made" of. She asked me how we are formed, and by what...like silly putty or clay or stone...what WE are made of. I told her we had best ask her doctor for more accurate answers because when I told her God made us, she rolled her eyes and said, "That's not what I meant Mommy!"

Maybe she will be a doctor someday...hmmm....these little initiations bring us just one step closer....

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Dreams and dreams

Bird dreams. So many bird dreams last night. I wish I could remember them all. One had a baby crow clinging to the back of a larger one....the larger one was being held by a man who was quite threatening, even though his demeanor wasn't. He was trying to seem friendly. The bird was trying to tell me otherwise. Interesting.

There was another where they were all gathered in a large tree just outside our window...I can't recall if it was my house or my mothers...but there were crows in every branch...in every place they could possibly perch. It was nighttime...they were getting ready for sleep.

There may have been others...I can't recall. I've been told to keep a dream journal...not sure why I don't. It would make sense since I usually have such vivid dreams with conversations remembered and details that most people may not recall.

I usually love my bird dreams. Last nights...well...I have mixed feelings on it. I just wish the sun would shine. I think it would help. This gloom is bringing me down.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Seems to me

It seems to me that life is too short, that friends don't live as long as we need them to and that our landscape is ever changing and it's annoying the crap out of me.

Last weekend I attended the memorial service of a friend who has been a part of my life since I was born. He was elderly, and frail and tired, yet his passing was just as difficult for me as if he had been 30 and had the whole world ahead of him. He was a part of MY landscape...MY life, and he's gone. Things don't seem quite the same to me. It's almost as if my life were haunted by this loss...and that everything I look at seems slightly altered in the most impossible ways.

Just a week later, another friend, yes...elderly and ill, has passed from this world and again I feel this loss as much as I would any other. He wasn't old to me. He was just Stanley. No number or ranking attached. Just Stanley...and he was a great guy, always there when you needed him. He was a rock for my mother, a true friend when she needed one, and for that I will be eternally grateful to him for his calming and strong presence in our lives. Again, things don't seem quite right to me. My landscape is altering, yet again, and I am powerless to stop it. I am haunted by these changes, both emotional and physical. I am helpless in the swirling waters of my life. That's how it feels. Even if I'm NOT technically helpless, it feels that way. I wish it didn't.

How do we learn to cope with these inevitable changes? Do we ever adjust to it? Do we ever come to expect it or like children, do we hold this secret hope that someone...just one person that we know...will not leave us...that they will be forever? I tend to think that realistically we realize what is unavoidable, yet we choose to put blinders on and just live our lives because if we didn't...if we remained conscious of the changes that will surely come, we would never be able to say goodbye, even if just for a moment because we would be too frightened of what might happen in our absence. We could never be casual again. We would live on guard, and that might not be living at all.

So, here I sit, watching my landscape shift...feeling a bit lost and small and wishing my friends a happy journey into the next world. What more can I possibly do?

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

With Embarrassment I Say...

With much embarrassment...I say that I have read the Twilight books...yes, I have done this horrible thing. I have read them willingly, AND watched the movies. God, I can't believe I am admitting this! It started out with someone at work telling me how entertaining the books were, and I figured, hey, I like entertaining. I can do that! Well, I tried to hide the books, slunking in corners in the semi lit bathroom reading them as fast as I could so I could do it, but not get caught! I am somewhat of a book snob, and rarely read popular fiction or anything that is considered trendy. It's just what I do. Alice Hoffman is as trendy as I get. Danielle Steele, well, forget that...I'D RATHER DIE! That's one literary place I won't EVER go! I still have my standards...despite this lapse in reason. I am still reading the third book, and want to get to the fourth quickly so I can see what everyone keeps telling me I will see. That the relationship between Bella and Edward will make SENSE to me. I can't imagine it, but I have to see for myself. I care too much at this point. I need to have it make sense, because right now, it doesn't. This stupid young girl so eager to give up life for this boy (her very first boyfriend, I might add)....ridiculous! She has no goals beyond becoming undead. She has no interest in girlfriends. She has no interest in a career. She hasn't even given one tiny indication that she even has a brain in that head. She's so busy obsessing over Edward, and he's so busy obsessing over her...well...it's mind boggling. I am finding it difficult to really LIKE Bella. I don't really see what the fuss is about, how she has caught the attention not only of a 100 year old vampire, but also a teenage werewolf. She's nice enough, don't get me wrong, but I fail to see these redeeming qualities that make her so special and sought after. Will it make sense to me once all the books are done? Maybe not, but as I said, I have to know. THIS. IS. PERSONAL. I've invested 2 days of my time trying to figure out the attraction the mass public has had with this couple, and I need to see it through. When I'm done with the last book, I'll give my final opinions and conclusions. Until then I'll continue to hide in darkened corners with these borrowed books until I'm done. I'll eat later!

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

IMISSMYDOOR

This word you see as title of this blog is a word I hear in my head most days. You may think it's a made up word, fabricated in my cubicle drained mind, but it's not. It's a word with a meaning. Imissmydoor. It means, in simple terms, that my head won't unclog. The noise.... phones, voices, footfalls, clearing of throats, coughing, bracelets jangling...it all clogs up my head and imissmydoor. It's a word that says it all. Since we moved to this new office, it's been difficult not to feel that imissmydoor EVERYDAY. It's something I have just come to live with...that desire to feel solid wood and brass door knobs in my hand and just shut my DOOR! Hey....I don't have a door! I used to. I loved my door, and now imissmydoor. I say it so often and so fast, it all comes out into one jumble of letters and made a word...and it has become as real to me as the word "draft" or "data" or "form." Imissmydoor SO MUCH! I know if I could just feel that solid wood in my hands and touch those little panes of glass...my heart would be lighter and my head would unclog and this cubicle would be nothing but a thing of the past, a bad dream that left me shaken. Imissmydoor. I wonder if it misses me, too.

Monday, February 28, 2011

Crow Dreams

I am not sure how I forgot to write about this dream, but I did. Life has been hectic lately, and I tend to think of doing something, but then never actually get to do it! I wanted to write this down, just because it felt so wonderful, so I don't ever forget.

I was at my neighbors house. I heard banging on her back door/window. There was a very angry man outside screaming at us. I have no idea what he was saying, or what he wanted or who he was. In the midst of his tirade, I saw these two beautiful crows flying by, I reached out the window and they took peanuts out of my hand. Then they came back around and the larger crow was carrying the smaller one in his talons and the smaller one landed on my arm and the larger on my shoulder and they ate from my hand. I felt so overwhelmed by this sense of peace, I woke up crying.

I have no idea what it means. I just know it was beautiful. It made me feel loved, and watched over. It was a peaceful feeling, and I was wishing I could go back to sleep and see them again, to experience it all over again. They felt real, and they felt like more than birds.

It was lovely. I wish all my dreams could make me feel like that.