Important things

I've established already that our office is moving. I've started packing non-essentials. I find it amusing looking around my area and seeing what I consider as "important." There are things I won't do without until we really have to go.

There are my crystals on my computer....quartz, jasper, merlinite, Apache tears, the tip off of a broken magic wand...my protection against a hostile work environment! I can't put those in a box until the very last, and I think I'll probably pop those in my purse so they don't get lost. There is a picture I drew years ago while under the tutelage of my first art teacher. It's mediocre in my opinion, but everyone seems to like it and it does bring me some sort of comfort so I keep it there. Obviously, if it's still on the wall either the picture itself brings me some peace or I am just reluctant to take it down because then I will be looking at a bare wall all day...a vivid reminder of this dreaded move.

Then there is my Don Quixote statue that my old boss, Peter, gave me me one Christmas years ago. It reminds me of fun times and of people I do not have the pleasure of seeing everyday anymore. We've had some great fun here. Despite what some people think, you can enjoy your co-workers company AND get your work done everyday.

Then there are some photos that I refuse to put away until the very last. I wonder how telling their presence is. There is a photo on my desk of my son and I on his first day at his college campus in New York City. I was petrified to leave him, yet so proud of him at the same time. We were on his balcony and I don't think you can see even a trace of fear on my face. I think I did fairly well, even though I cried when he hugged me goodbye. A mother is entitled to cry, just a bit under such circumstances.

There is a post card of the Canadian flag. I feel connected to Canada. I assume it's due to my birth mother being French Canadian. Just a guess...

There is a photo of my mother and the great love of her life, Tony. He died in a car crash years ago, and she still carries a photo of him in her wallet. I found this at her house and I guess it reminds me of the life she could have had, if he had lived. She looked so young and happy. I like seeing her like that.

I love looking up and seeing a picture of my husband with our dog on a hunting trip. They both look excited and eager and it's one of my favorite pictures. I think of the promise of the day as they were just starting out, rested and energized. I like that.

There is a picture of my son and daughter on the day he was leaving for college after Christmas vacation. You can't see their faces, they are hugging. It is the sweetest picture I have and one of my favorites. It says more than 2 smiling faces ever could. It is priceless.

There is a picture of my grandfather, Philip sitting in our backyard wearing what I considered to be his only outfit because in every dream I have ever had of him since he passed away, he was wearing this outfit. He was awesome. He liked me. He was one of the few people that actually made me feel that way when I was young. Love is great, but feeling liked is so much more pleasing.

Then there is the picture of my father smiling with his arm around me. It is a favorite, also. Our relationship was less than comfortable most of the time, but I find solace in this particular photo for some reason. I keep it in my wallet and it's still on my cork board. Memories of him bring up so much pain, yet I find peace in this picture. Maybe it's because for that one moment, I felt loved by him. The camera caught a moment of joy between us. I can appreciate that.

There is a copy of a sketch by my favorite artist, Charles Burchfield. I aspire to reach his level of skill. I like to see his work nearby. It makes me feel like I have a life outside of this place where creativity isn't always welcome.

I see a photo of my son's high school graduation. Peter, Sean, Sean....and me, the proud mom of them all. They have become a part of our family and this picture reminds me of how fortunate I am. I am so proud of them. They are all growing up to be fine young men, all very focused and moving forward in positive ways. They may stumble along the way, as we all did, but they are doing just fine.

Then there is Ken and my daughter. Ken is one of the most unique young men I have had the pleasure to meet. He is eclectic and precocious and full of life. My daughter adores him. You can't get much higher a recommendation than that! His patience with her is boundless and as a parent, you can't ask for more. I am so happy that my daughter has such a fine young man to look up to as she grows up. Watching someone be so kind to your child leaves you not knowing how to express your gratitude. He doesn't have to go out of his way for a little girl...he just does. I don't know if Ken realizes how special he is. Hey, Ken...you listening? YOU'RE SPECIAL!

Last but not least is a photo I took at a local cemetery. It's one of the most beautiful places in the world, and it's right up the road. We are so fortunate to have a place of peace and beauty in our city like this. The statue is incredible. I will try to post it here, if I can figure out how! It's one of my favorites and again, pleases me, so I keep it nearby. It reminds me of many things, one of which is that this place where I spend 8 hours a day isn't the beginning or the end of things. There is so much more out there.

I guess that's why we keep pictures of places and special people around us. It reminds us that we aren't alone. It lets us know our job isn't the be all and end all, it's just a place where we hang out long enough to collect our pay! There is so much more to us than our job title. If there isn't, then we're doing something wrong.

Change

Change. Most people shun it, avoid it, ignore it, pretend it isn't staring them in the face. Yet, there it is again, rearing it's ugly head. Personally, I HATE change. It's not something I do well with. Just ask my husband.

It doesn't seem to matter what sort of change it is. It could be something as simple as a neighbor cutting a tree down in their yard, or a temporary change like a vacation. Vacations are supposed to be fun, right? It involves change in my everyday routine, so it's nothing short of a conspiracy against the government! Ok, so it's not quite that bad, but as I said, I don't do well with change and a very significant change is coming up for me and I'm starting to feel the stress.

Twenty-five years ago I was dragged to a job interview by my mother. I was SO angry with her for forcing me to go, but, thankfully she was stronger than I was that day. That interview changed my life. I think I knew it that morning, I felt the winds blowing and I was resisting every step of the way. I met one of my dearest friends that day, the Director of my department, Neal. He was the person who interviewed me, and in his frankness (which endeared me to him) he told me I wasn't the most qualified person for the job, but that he thought I had great potential and spunk. God bless him for seeing me clearly, more clearly I might add, than I did myself.

I told myself when I accepted the position that I wouldn't stay longer than a year or two, and then I'd move on the greener pastures, but I never did find that fantasy farm with the emerald green grass. I'm still there, and at 46 years old I see that it has been a blessing. My son was born 3 years after I began working this job, and if it weren't for this job, I'm not sure how I would have supported him in the way that I was able. I have always complained about the job, how it doesn't meet many of the needs I have as an individual, how it stifles me, how it lacks the opportunities for creativity that I so desperately need, but really, if it weren't for this job I'm not sure where I'd be right now.

I have met some of the most wonderful (and dreadful!) people here that I have ever met. Each has left me with something, and has helped me to grow. I've walked up and down these hallways countless times, seen Directors come and go, and now it's all going to change again. Ok, I've had a good run. Many people never have the experience of working in one place for so long, and I should consider myself lucky, right? Well, I do, but this change is a big one, and I'm honestly scared. I'm trying not to be. I'm trying to be level headed and trying desperately not to think sentimentally about it either. So I grew up here...what does that mean? It's just a building...mortar, brick and wood. Is it more than that? Only if I make it so.

Our entire building is moving to a much smaller location. Yes, it's closer to my house. (Gas savings!) Yes, it's closer to my FAVORITE coffee shop. (Gas money going for MORE coffee!) Those are two of the reasons I was enthusiastic about the move in the first place. But I made the fatal mistake of going to see the building yesterday and now it's more real to me than it was before and I'm starting to get that sinking feeling that I'm leaving an old friend behind. Is this building my friend? Not really. But there are so many memories wrapped around this damp, drafty old building that is hard to just let go.

Should I just turn around and walk away or will I be looking back with regret, and be turned into a pillar of salt?

Truthfully, I don't know what I'm so intimidated by. Change is inevitable, and it's not like I'm going off on my own to start a new job with no friendly faces to cheer me. I'm moving with all of my dearest friends and we are really embarking on a new adventure in our lives. Why can't I see it that way? Fear. Fear always clouds our vision because in fear we bow our heads and tremble and we see nothing but our feet! Will I allow my fear to take over and block me from experiencing this new chapter with joy and excitement? I certainly hope not.

I am always preaching about keeping a positive attitude. I guess it's time for the preacher to start applying her sermons to her own life. I hope with my friends help, I am able to embrace this new day with a smile and a positive outlook. There really doesn't seem to be much reason to allow fear to ruin that for me. This can either be a good thing or a bad thing and I think it depends more on my outlook than anything else. This can be seen as an ending or a beginning. It's all up to me.

Self Improvement

I've said it before, I'll say it again...perfection can not be attained. It is impossible. Yet we can strive for it, and in our attempts to become a better person, we shall succeed in doing our best to make the world a better place. By improving ourselves, we improve the world around us. Of course there are so many things we have to worry about, or to be concerned with that can cloud our vision and make us lose our way. Everyday concerns from laundry, to paying bills can cause us to have a less positive outlook and therefore, lose momentum in our quest for self improvement. These things happen, yet it is during these times of trial that we can find ourselves rising above, and finding the ability to move forward and fight past feelings of doubt. It is usually during the darkest times that we find what we are made of.

Don't give up. Ever. You will never attain perfection, but every attempt at rising above sadness and despair brings us one step closer to where we need to be. We must find our place of balance, our inner peace. We can not achieve that state with negative thoughts raging and taking over our consciousness. It's rather like quiting smoking, or finally deciding to lose weight. Just decide to do it, and take charge. Don't let negative thoughts be the monkey on your back. Don't let other people and their negative outlook spoil your view of the world.

Set yourself free by just trying. Take in the beauty of the world, one day at a time.

Graduation

There is nothing so promising, so inspiring to me as a Kindergarten graduation. Ok, so sunsets inspire me too...but I have just attended a very special Kindergarten graduation, so I guess that's what I find inspiring TODAY!

Those little faces, so full of trust, innocence and hope....it lifts your jaded heart and makes you believe in miracles again. I have this awful habit of attending functions such as graduations, weddings or baptisms and I tend not to see what's before me, but I see the future. I see the baby being baptised as an elderly person, I see their parents as middle aged and melancholy. I see the married couple during their first argument, at the birth of their first child, at their 20th wedding anniversary. I have difficulty just enjoying that moment without being distracted by those sort of thoughts. However, yesterday I was able to enjoy the moment AND have a few flashes into the future without being distracted by it. I was able to just enjoy a moment, and what a moment it was!

The sweet songs sung by little spruced up children in their Sunday best were so wonderful! My own little angel far exceeded my expectations and was able to sit still AND remember all the words to the songs she had to perform. It gave me a glimpse into the young lady she will grow up to be. Despite my fears for her, she will grow up fine. She will have her heart broken, she will break hearts, she will meet the love of her life, she will have extreme joys and sad days too. Through it all, she will prevail and will grow stronger everyday. She can't stop herself from growing up into a beautiful woman....she comes from two of the coolest people I know!

Best wishes to the little girl who carries my heart with her always.....

Never a good time....

There never seems to be a good time for something bad to happen.

Our car breaks down, we catch a cold, we have a sick child at home...none of these things are pleasant and none happen at a good time.

It's always a bad time for bad things to happen.

Let's face it...it's not always easy to feel positive about things in your life, even when you are aware of how fortunate you are. Some days just stink. (even for us Perpetually Positive Pollyannas) I always try to look on the bright side of life, however, this wasn't always my attitude. I spent many years as a teenager and 20 something feeling down, always wondering when my day would come, always feeling left out, tired out and dismal. Very often I looked angry, or at least sad or distressed. I was always afraid of some catastrophe befalling me, waiting for the next bad thing to happen. I expected relationships to end, to disappoint. I felt like the cosmos was against me and everyone else would achieve happiness, except for me. The crucial mistake I made and that many young people make is that they fail to see how their behavior can help contribute to many of these problems they face. Unfortunately, even at my ripe old age, I actually know some people I grew up with who have been stuck in the same destructive pattern they have been in since we were teens. They wonder why none of their relationships work, and I can't imagine they can't see that they are just dating the same person over and over and over, just with a different face and name. These destructive patterns are what keep them from experiencing contentment in their adult lives. We need to take accountability for our own actions and stop feeling like a victim. Take charge of your life first and foremost by adopting a more positive attitude. Positive thoughts beget positive thoughts and so on. If you give off a positive vibe, positive things and people will surround you!

Imagine in your minds eye one person in your life who is perpetually down, always looking angry. They look like a storm cloud is hanging over them. Their negativity is like a cancer, eating away at them from the inside out. It infects others around them, until people can't tolerate being around them anymore. Yes, this person is an extreme case (and I KNOW you know someone like this!) yet this could be you, if you do not change your attitude to something more uplifting. Do one small thing, change your outlook just a little...smile when you don't feel like it...and you might find that someone will smile back. When you have a dark cloud hanging over your head, the grey skies follow you everywhere. Even the loveliest countenance is darkened and made ugly by a frown. A smile costs nothing yet can make a world of difference not only for the person you are smiling at, but for you, yourself. It can open doors, change the way you are perceived by the world and therefore, change everything.

There is no perfection. Life is filled with ups and downs. But if we stop feeling like victims and start taking charge of our lives, we can slowly turn the tide of our imagined misfortune. The world is not against us. We are not victims. We can have what we desire. We cannot attain perfection, but in our pursuit of happiness, we can make our lives better, and make the world a better place for our having been there.

Favorite Word

If anyone were to ask me what my favorite word was, I suppose I would have to say, REMEMBER.

Now you may ask, why is the word REMEMBER different from any other word in the English language? Why is it significant to me? My initial response to that question would be, "I have no idea!" It has always been a word packed with a punch to me. The word in itself can mean many things to many people. If I just say, "REMEMBER," you may look at me and tilt your head and remember a moment from your childhood that was special to you, or you might think of your best friend in elementary school, or you might remember a recipe your mother passed on to you that was in the family for years, or you might remember that your dinner is burning on the stove! REMEMBER invokes many responses. I think that makes it different from other words. It is a statement...a command...an action. That's what it is...REMEMBER is a word of action. Shouldn't we all be people of action?

You must be the change you wish to see in the world! (Ghandi was a smart fella!) People must take action, be the catalyst for change and improvement in the universe. We must REMEMBER that we aren't here on this earth solely for the pursuit of our own pleasure, but for the greater good of the world at large. We may think that our actions do not really change anything, that our place in the world is so insignificant that we do not matter, but we could be no further from the truth. Every kindness, every thoughtful gesture reverberates throughout the world, from one person to the next. A smile can change everything.

So, I guess that's the answer to the question. The word REMEMBER is special to me because it is a word of action, it makes us think, and think...of all sorts of things. It forces us to take action, even if that action is merely recalling something. There is no limit to what we can remember. We can remember both good and bad, important and irrelevant moments. REMEMBER can do anything....and so can we.

Blame

I am pondering the BP oil spill today, and have been for many days as I have seen so many photos that show oil slicked animals struggling to breathe. My heart breaks for these innocent creatures and I know so many people who feel the same way, however, while they use picket signs and websites like Facebook to proclaim their anger against the oil companies and their leaders, I say that we should look at our own behavior first to see if some of the blame lies with us, as a group.

I have seen people get angry because one of the heads of BP oil celebrated his birthday this past week...I mean, really? The man doesn't deserve to celebrate his birthday? It's his responsibility alone that this crisis has occured? His birthday must be CANCELED until this spill is cleaned up! Oh, come on. If you want to be angry, that's fine, but make it constructive and not just alot of noise.

A company only produces what it can sell to the public. If we REALLY dislike what the oil companies are doing, if we really are angry and want it to stop...well, stop heating your homes with oil...stop driving a car, or at least reduce your usage significantly. I think if we thought about it we would realize that so many other corporations that we purchase goods and services from use oil in the production of products or maintenance (heating) of their facilities. Can we boycott it all? If the companies had no one to sell oil to, there would be no drilling at all, thus, no risk for spills. However, we do continue to consume at record levels and they are only giving the public what it demands. We have created this monster, and it is up to us as a whole to put an end to it.

Are we willing as a society to give up all products that use oil in its production? I doubt we would be willing or able to do that right away. I hope, as do many, that we will find a way to do without oil products, but if we don't put our money where our mouth is and start really trying to change how we live, these risks will continue to exist. It is not the oil companies fault that we demand oil. They exist because of us, not in spite of us. We need to take on some of the responsibility of this spill and not just stand on the beach with picket signs, but really work hard to make changes in how we live before it's too late. Let's invest as much as we can in finding new ways to heat, new ways to get around, before we end up with a catastrophe that absolutely ruins us. Stop being angry and start being productive. It's our only hope.

Falling in Love

There is no mistaking a real book when one meets it. It is like falling in love.
-Christopher Morley

There is nothing like it...finding that perfect book that transports you, that makes you yearn for a place in time you have never been. I have had this happen to me many times over the years, and have fallen in love with the likes of Mr. Darcy, Mr. Rochester, with castles and animals and farmhouses and families so familiar to me, even after all these years. Any avid reader will tell you that a great book feels like falling in love!

My love affair with books began at a very young age. My grandmother was housebound, and would send me to the library for her every Saturday morning. I would come back with a huge bag of books and it still amazes me that she would be able to read all of them throughout the week.

I was fascinated by the rows and rows of books, and by the librarians who got to spend their entire day surrounded by these tomes, both old and new together, their scents mixing in such a delightful way! I am still mesmerized by rooms full of books, no matter where I find them. I have been known to spend far too much time looking over the bookshelves when a guest at a party. I have always found the characters in books far better company for me than being surrounded by people I hardly know during these awkward social situations. Books have been my salvation over the years, and if I could thank every great author, every charming character that soothed me during times of distress, I certainly would. They are as real to me as any friend, any human or canine companion, and surely just as true.

I am always mystified when people tell me "I hate to read!" It's blasphemy to me, but I have to admit, to each his own. I don't understand them and they don't understand me, and that's alright. I am just glad I'm not one of those poor misguided folks! I know the joy of rafting down the river with Huck Finn, of rambling on the moors with Heathcliff, and crying with Jane Eyre as her dear friend Helen passed away. I wouldn't trade those experiences for anything and they are as real to me as my own wedding day, and as tangible as the days my precious children were born. I feel sad for those who do not know the joy of falling in love again and again through the joy of finding just the right book to curl up with. However, as I have said, to each his own. I have no comprehension of the joys of Nascar or the Super Bowl. Maybe the fans of these activities feel that I am deprived in some way, and maybe I am, but give me an old classic book (smooth worn leather cover preferred!) with a blanket under an old oak tree and I'll be just fine! Don't go worrying about me, you enjoy the game without me. I'll see you at home...

Blogging

I am fascinated by this world driven by so much new technology, and frightened by it at the same time. I grew up with one black and white television in the house, and Dad controlled what we viewed on a daily basis. We didn't have our own phones, and never imagined the cell phones of today, although in our fantasies we thought being able to be in touch with our friends 24/7 would be the BEST THING EVER! However, I don't feel deprived by the 70's and 80's...I feel like they gave me a pretty good start. I try to keep up with the technology of today, but do not feel like I have to have it all. It's fascinating, as I said, but opens up a whole new world, and a whole new defination of the word privacy. This thing called "blogging" is new to me too...and I'm not sure exactly why I'm diving in here, but thought I'd give it a try and see what it's all about.

I am sure I will learn more as I blog along...and may or may not decide to continue doing this. Seems rather like an online journal, although how much to share is an issue I'm still working out in my mind.

The title of this blog...Thoughts and Crows and so on...well, it's all I could think of and since I love to ponder things both large and small and I adore crows...well, it seemed like as good a place to start as any.

So, here I go...my first blog...DONE.