BOOK REVIEW: The Kept by James Scott......

The Kept by James Scott is a difficult novel to read.  There isn't a positive moment, not a ray of light in the dismal existence of these sad and desperate characters.  They are certainly well crafted, the plot well thought out, the story compelling, yet the dark tone was very hard to carry with you, and carry it with you, you shall. 

It begins quite simply, with death, and from those deaths come thoughts of revenge, anger, desperation, confusion and doubt.  There was one sad moment after the next, one disappointment after the other, everyday a struggle for survival and a grasping and clawing that you can actually feel.  Is that a sign of a great novel?  It most certainly is, however, I felt it necessary to warn the reader that this is a very dark novel, there is nothing truly happy happening here, just a collection of pain and heartache that feels as real as any you have experienced in this world yourself. 

This is well crafted, and I'm not disregarding that fact.  If you are looking for a novel written in the tradition of Cold Mountain, then I think this one is for you. If you are looking for something light, a story with a bit more balance, then perhaps this isn't for you.  If you are highly sensitive, this one might weigh you down as you read.  

The dark and gray world of The Kept will linger with you, carry you down its dreary paths and leave its mark.  This is a fine piece of dramatic literature for the discerning reader.

When Did It Happen?

I suppose I'm not the first woman to ask this question....to wonder where the time has gone. I am sitting here trying to remember how I have changed so dramatically, from a young girl with big dreams and no hope to this soft bellied woman with a completely different views regarding life. I remember that girl, certainly, like I recall my children's youthfulness. She is still very real to me, yet she is gone, much like the Sean I remember so vividly, playing with his Ninja Turtles....is gone. I evolved like he did, Mia is evolving like I did. It's all so natural and right, yet it can really bring you to such emotion....well, as if you hadn't been expecting it at all.

Mia's birthday was yesterday. I was so happy, she was so happy, yet I found myself after a hot flash or two at dinner, to start to realize how much has really changed. I'm not that little girl...she is. Hey, I'm not even the 39 year old woman who gave birth to her. I've changed so much just in 8 years...and I worry about that. Can I still be a good mother to her, and be this menopausal mess? Will being slammed daily by hot flashes and mood swings change me, yet again, into a different woman? Will I be different? Will I still remain the loving, constant mother she so desperately needs? Can I find a way to cope? Will I be a Maria I can be proud of...a Maria I even recognize...when this is all over? I pray that is so.

I guess I'm just nervous, entering into another phase in life I'm not quite ready for. It seems we coast along, enjoying life as much as we can, taking for granted that particular stage we are in...and then when it begins to change, we rebel, longing for things to remain constant, yet they certainly can't. We are silly, we humans, longing for a stability that doesn't exist. Change is constant. Today becomes yesterday, yesterday becomes the day before. Constant doesn't really exist. The only constant that exists is that things are constantly changing!

I hope I can come to terms with the me I am now...the physical and emotional challenges that lay ahead. I want so much to glide through this, yet it is certainly something I've feared for many years. I have my apprehensions. It's a mystery...and a very different experience for every woman. It's hard to even ask anyone else about things because each journey is unique.

If there is anyone up there listening to my words....anyone I could pray to who would listen, I pray that I can find it in myself to be accepting, that I remain focused on what is important and of value in my life, and that I can be what my family needs while still going through this trying time.

May the Goddess of Menopause smile down on me and have pity!

Getting "IT" Back

I have to admit, it's been a while since I've written any of my snippets and I hear them calling to me. I have been writing...just writing whatever, gibberish really, just to get back into the habit of actually writing. Writing ANYTHING. I want Evelyn and Percy to have a voice, to have a life, to have an ending. I don't want them to die prematurely, to have their story end before it even started! In a way they feel real to me, and I feel an obligation to keep them growing and moving forward. They are an extension of me, rather like my children, and I want to see them grow up well, like any parent would. So, here I am writing and writing, anything and everything to get "it" back, to warm up, so to speak. I've been writing on my lunch hour at work, just pages and pages of writing that gets shredded, but that I feel is helping me to change my routine and get writing again. That feeling you get when you are on to something while writing....it's priceless!! I want to feel that again, the excitement and thrill of it. It's like having a baby...bringing something to life that wasn't there before. It's a blank canvas that only I can fill.

I am certainly thrilled to be reviewing for the ABNA again, which is so exciting to me. I enjoy it very much, but I think next year, someone should be reviewing MY work instead. I hope that I can make that a reality, because if I am honest with myself, no one can make that happen except for me. If I want something, I am responsible to make it happen. A book doesn't fall out of the sky into the lap of the author, there is some serious dedication and commitment involved. I have to dig deep here. I hope it's there, waiting for me.

Is there a Patron Saint of writers? A Goddess for the creative mind? If so....I ask that they help me to find my way back so that I can create the life I've dreamed of.

Writers Block

So, what does one do to get past writers block? Is there really such a thing? Have Evelyn and Percy come to an untimely end, or can I continue their story? I have no idea where to take this story but would like an epiphany....I want to know how to continue. Yet...I have no clue.

Should I meditate? Take a walk? A long bath, perhaps? I just want to know where it goes from here and I want to write some more....but I'm not sure it's there, inside me. If not, where the hell is it? Is there a wall I need to climb over, an obstacle I need to get past? Is the block only in my own imagination. Is it fear?

I don't want Evelyn to die before her time! What do I do??

What can I do?

What can I do? I am trying so hard to feel positive, to look at the bright side, to do all the things we've done together...to keep trying, to reach deep within myself for strength...but I find I'm not successful at it this week. This week is the week we always talked about...in our room...our office...just you and me. We wondered what we would do when retirement came...and you always said it would come for you first and I dismissed you, even though I knew you were telling the obvious truth. We weren't born in the same decade...so it was inevitable that for you, the elder of us, retirement would come first.

I know I've said I don't mind that we weren't born in the same time period...that there were some years between us always seemed ok to me...and I think it was meant to be that way, no matter what our preference...but for the record....I wish it too. I wish we could have gone to high school together....talked about things that young girls talk about....had each other to support and laugh and cry with. It would have been fun....but all in all, I can't say that we don't have something special nonetheless....because you know we do.

Let's set the record straight. These are the things you taught me:

1. To look on the bright side.
2. That friends...true friends...mean what they say and stand by you even when you act like a ninny.
3. That no matter how old you are, you can learn something new everyday.
4. That a mother can be your best friend.
5. That I am an artist.
6. That I am a writer.
7. That I have gifts that can enrich the world.
8. It's all in the details!
9. That smiling even when you don't feel like it is important.
10. That everyday is a gift.

I said it before, and I'll say it again, I did lots of growing up at this job....27 years of it...and 17 of it spent in your company. Your heart is true and genuine and I have been blessed to have worked with you. The job is important, no doubt, but what really matters are the bonds we forge here...the people who's lives we touch in positive ways. That's why we are here, and your friendship has taught me that.

I've had a hard time with this, and I've tried not to grieve in your company! This is a wonderful thing for you....retirement is a positive thing, and our friendship won't end because of it. I will just miss your calming presence....and your smile. Forgive me if I seem out of sorts lately. I'm trying to get my bearings.

I shall never say goodbye to you, my dear friend....I will, however, say what I have said for many years, every weekday at 4:15....Aurevoir, ma Sherry.....

I love you.

Never Hide Your Light

I just posted on Facebook tonight......Never hide your light. I suppose I was speaking in general, as it applies to us all. Never hide your light. Never hide your gifts. Be appreciative of your gifts. We all have so much to offer the world....and on a smaller scale...each other...yet we miss so many opportunities to do just that, out of fear or doubt, or even out of the simple act of letting your disappointing day get to you, and your eyes are full of your own issues, and you might fail to see a perfect change for reaching out to someone else with your gifts.

You are armed with them....these gifts you were bestowed at birth. We all have different gifts, yet for various reasons we may choose not to use them....in others words...to hide our light. In my opinion, because I was so unaware of my own light for so long...I think it's the greatest crime you can commit! I say I was unaware, and not hiding my gifts because that was the way of it for many years. I was told I had none, and sadly, I believed it for a very long time. I listened to one negative voice and let it dictate my own feelings on my own gifts. I let that voice become my God...allowing it more power over me than anyone elses. Yet, that voice was wrong. My resonsibility in all that was that I let that voice live longer than it should have. I will NEVER do that again, and I won't allow my friends do that to themselves, not if I can help it. It is a great injustice....and deprives the world of beauty and a chance at becoming a better place. We each play a crucial role in the development of the future world that our children and grandchildren will inhabit. The web is intricate, and we have a very precise place in that....we may not see the whole picture, yet we are a huge part of that plan. Therefore, to do any less than let our light shine is an injustice, a crime against the future!

Leave your fears behind. Life is too short...time flies too quickly and we have no time for fear. Live. Live like there is no tomorrow.......shine like the brightest star and do your part. Show the world what you are made of. No one can DO YOU better than YOU. You were given the part of you in this great performance of life because it was decided that no one could do it better than you.

Don't hide your light and give a shabby performance. Do your best....break a leg!

Karma

It's called KARMA....and it can bite you in the ass.

Give the world a shit sandwich, and you'll be eating crap yourself soon enough. You reap what you sow. It's pretty simple. If you want a karmic slap in the head, then keep doing as you please, steam rolling over the world without a care. You'll pay. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow. But....you'll pay.

Enjoy yourself for now. The view is always lovely from the top....but remember that what goes up, must come down. Strap yourself in. It should be interesting.