When Did It Happen?

I suppose I'm not the first woman to ask this question....to wonder where the time has gone. I am sitting here trying to remember how I have changed so dramatically, from a young girl with big dreams and no hope to this soft bellied woman with a completely different views regarding life. I remember that girl, certainly, like I recall my children's youthfulness. She is still very real to me, yet she is gone, much like the Sean I remember so vividly, playing with his Ninja Turtles....is gone. I evolved like he did, Mia is evolving like I did. It's all so natural and right, yet it can really bring you to such emotion....well, as if you hadn't been expecting it at all.

Mia's birthday was yesterday. I was so happy, she was so happy, yet I found myself after a hot flash or two at dinner, to start to realize how much has really changed. I'm not that little girl...she is. Hey, I'm not even the 39 year old woman who gave birth to her. I've changed so much just in 8 years...and I worry about that. Can I still be a good mother to her, and be this menopausal mess? Will being slammed daily by hot flashes and mood swings change me, yet again, into a different woman? Will I be different? Will I still remain the loving, constant mother she so desperately needs? Can I find a way to cope? Will I be a Maria I can be proud of...a Maria I even recognize...when this is all over? I pray that is so.

I guess I'm just nervous, entering into another phase in life I'm not quite ready for. It seems we coast along, enjoying life as much as we can, taking for granted that particular stage we are in...and then when it begins to change, we rebel, longing for things to remain constant, yet they certainly can't. We are silly, we humans, longing for a stability that doesn't exist. Change is constant. Today becomes yesterday, yesterday becomes the day before. Constant doesn't really exist. The only constant that exists is that things are constantly changing!

I hope I can come to terms with the me I am now...the physical and emotional challenges that lay ahead. I want so much to glide through this, yet it is certainly something I've feared for many years. I have my apprehensions. It's a mystery...and a very different experience for every woman. It's hard to even ask anyone else about things because each journey is unique.

If there is anyone up there listening to my words....anyone I could pray to who would listen, I pray that I can find it in myself to be accepting, that I remain focused on what is important and of value in my life, and that I can be what my family needs while still going through this trying time.

May the Goddess of Menopause smile down on me and have pity!

Getting "IT" Back

I have to admit, it's been a while since I've written any of my snippets and I hear them calling to me. I have been writing...just writing whatever, gibberish really, just to get back into the habit of actually writing. Writing ANYTHING. I want Evelyn and Percy to have a voice, to have a life, to have an ending. I don't want them to die prematurely, to have their story end before it even started! In a way they feel real to me, and I feel an obligation to keep them growing and moving forward. They are an extension of me, rather like my children, and I want to see them grow up well, like any parent would. So, here I am writing and writing, anything and everything to get "it" back, to warm up, so to speak. I've been writing on my lunch hour at work, just pages and pages of writing that gets shredded, but that I feel is helping me to change my routine and get writing again. That feeling you get when you are on to something while writing....it's priceless!! I want to feel that again, the excitement and thrill of it. It's like having a baby...bringing something to life that wasn't there before. It's a blank canvas that only I can fill.

I am certainly thrilled to be reviewing for the ABNA again, which is so exciting to me. I enjoy it very much, but I think next year, someone should be reviewing MY work instead. I hope that I can make that a reality, because if I am honest with myself, no one can make that happen except for me. If I want something, I am responsible to make it happen. A book doesn't fall out of the sky into the lap of the author, there is some serious dedication and commitment involved. I have to dig deep here. I hope it's there, waiting for me.

Is there a Patron Saint of writers? A Goddess for the creative mind? If so....I ask that they help me to find my way back so that I can create the life I've dreamed of.