When Did It Happen?

I suppose I'm not the first woman to ask this question....to wonder where the time has gone. I am sitting here trying to remember how I have changed so dramatically, from a young girl with big dreams and no hope to this soft bellied woman with a completely different views regarding life. I remember that girl, certainly, like I recall my children's youthfulness. She is still very real to me, yet she is gone, much like the Sean I remember so vividly, playing with his Ninja Turtles....is gone. I evolved like he did, Mia is evolving like I did. It's all so natural and right, yet it can really bring you to such emotion....well, as if you hadn't been expecting it at all.

Mia's birthday was yesterday. I was so happy, she was so happy, yet I found myself after a hot flash or two at dinner, to start to realize how much has really changed. I'm not that little girl...she is. Hey, I'm not even the 39 year old woman who gave birth to her. I've changed so much just in 8 years...and I worry about that. Can I still be a good mother to her, and be this menopausal mess? Will being slammed daily by hot flashes and mood swings change me, yet again, into a different woman? Will I be different? Will I still remain the loving, constant mother she so desperately needs? Can I find a way to cope? Will I be a Maria I can be proud of...a Maria I even recognize...when this is all over? I pray that is so.

I guess I'm just nervous, entering into another phase in life I'm not quite ready for. It seems we coast along, enjoying life as much as we can, taking for granted that particular stage we are in...and then when it begins to change, we rebel, longing for things to remain constant, yet they certainly can't. We are silly, we humans, longing for a stability that doesn't exist. Change is constant. Today becomes yesterday, yesterday becomes the day before. Constant doesn't really exist. The only constant that exists is that things are constantly changing!

I hope I can come to terms with the me I am now...the physical and emotional challenges that lay ahead. I want so much to glide through this, yet it is certainly something I've feared for many years. I have my apprehensions. It's a mystery...and a very different experience for every woman. It's hard to even ask anyone else about things because each journey is unique.

If there is anyone up there listening to my words....anyone I could pray to who would listen, I pray that I can find it in myself to be accepting, that I remain focused on what is important and of value in my life, and that I can be what my family needs while still going through this trying time.

May the Goddess of Menopause smile down on me and have pity!